November 7th, 2017
Today was the day of my IUI. It was rainy, of course. I feel like every time we go down there it rains! Anyway... Hubby's count was higher than normal after the wash, I believe it was around 39million after it had been washed! Yay fellas! It takes a hour to be washed and span to we went to grab a quick lunch at McDonalds. Lord! We start eating and a man is acting strange. Shay, my husband walks up to the group of, homeless looking men, and ask if he was ok. Long story short, one of the men were OD'ing and Shay layer him down and called for an ambulance and we waited until they arrived... What a day! We are just trying to make a baby people! haha So we went back to the Institute and I had the procedure at 1pm. It was a little painful, but because I had not ovulated yet it wasn't too bad. We had just entered our dreaded two week wait (TWW)... I was told to take it easy, whats that lol And to take a pregnancy test 14-16 days after the procedure or wait to see if I missed my period... Well, If you have struggled with infertility, I don't know a soul who waited a full 2 weeks to test. So we shall see! haha
💕 Kellie
Monday, November 20, 2017
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: Follie check
November 6th, 2017
SO a little update over the last week:
I took clomid with NO symptoms! Hallelujah!! I was so scared! I also completed the shots without a symptom. I did a lot of praying and the Lord sure sis come through for me!
Today is Monday, November 6th. It has officially been one week since my last ultrasound and I was so excited but nervous to go in and see if my follicles had grown. I wasn't feeling any cramping throughout the week and in past cycles I had. I was so excited because I was scheduled to see my favorite Dr., Dr. Middleton, but when I went in she ended up having to switch and was on a different rotation. I was so let down because I 100000% respect her opinions and advice, she is also the other head of fertility doctor. I seen a intern and she measured my follicles. She said I had one 18mm, 15mm, and two 12mm follies. A 18mm is a great size but the rest were a little small. I was happy to have had at least one mature follicle but I have had some in the past that had 3 and 4 mature follicles and I didn't get pregnant. My lining was also thiner than what they like to see. That made me MORE than nervous. It was 6mm and a good lining is 8mm. That puts you at risk for miscarriage more...
The intern told me to go home, do my trigger shot at 1pm and that I would have my IUI the next day at the Institute down town. I felt that it was too early and my lining wasn't ready but she insisted.
I made my appointment for the Fertility Institute of Hawaii for the next day as I was told. I did run into Dr. Middleton in the hallway and we talked for a while. After being really scared about my lining, I ended up emailing her to express my concerns. She ended up putting me on progesterone gel as well as estrogen to help with lining and implantation issues. I am praying that works!
To be continued...
SO a little update over the last week:
I took clomid with NO symptoms! Hallelujah!! I was so scared! I also completed the shots without a symptom. I did a lot of praying and the Lord sure sis come through for me!
Today is Monday, November 6th. It has officially been one week since my last ultrasound and I was so excited but nervous to go in and see if my follicles had grown. I wasn't feeling any cramping throughout the week and in past cycles I had. I was so excited because I was scheduled to see my favorite Dr., Dr. Middleton, but when I went in she ended up having to switch and was on a different rotation. I was so let down because I 100000% respect her opinions and advice, she is also the other head of fertility doctor. I seen a intern and she measured my follicles. She said I had one 18mm, 15mm, and two 12mm follies. A 18mm is a great size but the rest were a little small. I was happy to have had at least one mature follicle but I have had some in the past that had 3 and 4 mature follicles and I didn't get pregnant. My lining was also thiner than what they like to see. That made me MORE than nervous. It was 6mm and a good lining is 8mm. That puts you at risk for miscarriage more...
The intern told me to go home, do my trigger shot at 1pm and that I would have my IUI the next day at the Institute down town. I felt that it was too early and my lining wasn't ready but she insisted.
I made my appointment for the Fertility Institute of Hawaii for the next day as I was told. I did run into Dr. Middleton in the hallway and we talked for a while. After being really scared about my lining, I ended up emailing her to express my concerns. She ended up putting me on progesterone gel as well as estrogen to help with lining and implantation issues. I am praying that works!
To be continued...
Chapter SIXTEEN: & so it Begins...
October 30th, 2017
Today, I had my first appointment at the fertility clinic in a year. Tomorrow, Halloween, will be exactly one year since I knew our last treatment failed. Traffic was awful! I left my house at 6:15am and my appointment wasn't until 8am. I still barely made it due to the chaos on the hill. Once I got there the staff was so sweet! They immediately said that they had missed me and mentioned they could tell I had lost weight (that was nice haha) I met with head of fertility, Dr. Levy. I have met him a few times in the past but this was the first time going to his office and having a meeting. My ultrasound went great, I was already creating follicles. He started me on a cocktail that I have never tried. Well, a portion I haven't tried. It's called a "Hybrid Cycle". Day 5 - Day 9, I will take 2 pills per day of Clomid then on day 9 I will start taking shots as well of Gonal-F. He also added prenatal vitamins, Q10, and Vitamin D. I will finish off that cocktail for a week then go back for another ultrasound. Hopefully by then my follies will be mature and ready to go! Then we will decide if we want to have time enter-course or another IUI. I am leaning more toward IUI just so I don't feel like we waisted a round.
Update: At 8pm tonight I took my first dose of Clomid. Here is to praying it doesn't make me sick!
I will start taking all of my vitamins tomorrow.
With Love,
Kellie ❤️
Today, I had my first appointment at the fertility clinic in a year. Tomorrow, Halloween, will be exactly one year since I knew our last treatment failed. Traffic was awful! I left my house at 6:15am and my appointment wasn't until 8am. I still barely made it due to the chaos on the hill. Once I got there the staff was so sweet! They immediately said that they had missed me and mentioned they could tell I had lost weight (that was nice haha) I met with head of fertility, Dr. Levy. I have met him a few times in the past but this was the first time going to his office and having a meeting. My ultrasound went great, I was already creating follicles. He started me on a cocktail that I have never tried. Well, a portion I haven't tried. It's called a "Hybrid Cycle". Day 5 - Day 9, I will take 2 pills per day of Clomid then on day 9 I will start taking shots as well of Gonal-F. He also added prenatal vitamins, Q10, and Vitamin D. I will finish off that cocktail for a week then go back for another ultrasound. Hopefully by then my follies will be mature and ready to go! Then we will decide if we want to have time enter-course or another IUI. I am leaning more toward IUI just so I don't feel like we waisted a round.
Update: At 8pm tonight I took my first dose of Clomid. Here is to praying it doesn't make me sick!
I will start taking all of my vitamins tomorrow.
With Love,
Kellie ❤️
Monday, October 30, 2017
Chapter FIFTEEN: Just dropped to 5%
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WB5BlYsn6nk
Several months ago, a client of mine told me that she had planned on delivering her baby by herself. I couldn't get my head wrapped around that idea and told her that if she needed anything I would be there for her. She then asked me if I would be interested in being her birth coach! It was a shock to me and I had a ton of different thoughts and emotions. Later that night, I thought to myself, "Man, what a cruel joke that God is playing with me". Why would he put me in a situation that for so long I wanted to be in myself? I even laughed with friends about it to lighten the thought. Around the same time, another friend had just delivered her baby as well.
But then I thought what an amazing opportunity... I can watch as life is being welcomed into the world. I can be there for someone who I care about and do what I do best, just be a friend. We jotted down some dates and I was able to go with her to her gender appointment! ITS A GIRL! I was soooooooo excited for her! I thought about everything for months and about this sweet baby girl that would soon be here. And then on Monday, October 23rd 2017, I got the call saying that she thinks her water may have broken. I was excited and nervous! I met her at the airfield and then we went straight to Tripler, our Army Medical Center. We got to the hospital and things started slow at first. They didn't have a room and then finally we made it into triage. Once we got in the fun began! She was admitted into labor and delivery and we had a massive room. We joked around and talked a lot with the nurses and midwives about our expectations etc. I rememberer that surreal moment when we walked into the room for the first time and all of the baby equipment were already set up. Where she would be measured and weighed, where she would stay warm under the lights... That was the first time that percent dropped... haha So, lets rewind. I always joke with my friends and say that I am 99% content on not continuing our fertility treatments and I have accepted we are, Waite, Party of 3... From time to time, like at my friend Deanna's high tea baby shower, I joked and said my % had dropped to 70%. Anytime I see something baby cute related I jokingly say it drops.
In that moment, as we walked in that labor and delivery room for the first time, my % dropped. Haha Prob to about 50%... It was a very surreal moment that I felt so blessed to be there for. As the day turned into night, we relaxed listening to the thunderstorm (we never see lightening or hear thunder in HI so it was really nice) and then she finally decided on an epidural. For hours she tried to talk me into going to get some dinner so that I wouldn't be hungry throughout the night. I didn't want to leave her so I just waited. Finally, after they checked her and it seemed like it was going to be a while she sent me to get myself and her a sub and cookies from Subway inside the hospital. I ran down, grabbed the subs, I even forgot my chips in a rush haha, and then called my husband to make sure he had picked our little boy up from our friends and that they were settling. I told him that I would be staying the night and I cut it short. Then I ran back up stairs. When I got back to the 6th floor, which is the labor and delivery unit, I ran into the nurse anesthetist who had given my friend her epidural and she said, "Have you heard the news". I am sure I probably turned white as a sheet because my first thought was that she had the baby without me! haha But she said that she was pushing!. I ran to the room, threw the subs down and morphed into "Baby Daddy". They were talking to her and I was there for her and talking to her. She pushed three times and I seen the most amazing thing I had ever seen. This beautiful, baby girl took her first breath and then when I didn't think it could get any better she shared with us how strong her lung were. I couldn't hold back the tears. What a night! I was taking pictures and loving baby and momma and just soaking up the moment. At that moment, I was reminded how incredibly strong we as women are. And how incredibly special we are for God to choose us to deliver and raise these amazing lives. I was so happy for my friend and I know you are wondering, emotionally how did I feel? And to answer you honestly, I never for one second put myself in that situation to be sad or depressed. Everyone knows I am not that person. I don't get sad when I see babies or pregnant women etc. When I seen that momma and her baby girl, I had nothing but joy for them. It wasn't until the next day when I got home from an exhausting night in the hospital that I reflected. I ran home from the overnight stay to grab Kol from school and then to hurry and decorate for my cub scouts halloween party. My bestie called later after the party and checked on me. My friend that had delivered the baby had also sent me some pictures and a video to my phone that I didn't know she took. It was when I was holding the baby, just rocking her and humming. Closing my eyes because they burned from crying and honestly just soaking up the moment. When I seen those pictures and video, WOW, my percent went down to maybe 5%! It opened my eyes that seeing myself with that sweet baby girl, in all her glory made my ovaries hurt for the first time in a LONG time. This October 31st, will mark a year since our last fertility treatment failed. This month would've also been our baby that I miscarrieds' first birthday. Maybe all of these things have opened my eyes to just take one day at a time and enjoy our journey. Who knows what God has in store for me but I do know this. I am incredibly happy with the life he has given me. Would I be happy with another sweet baby, absolutely, but I have to have peace and be grateful with what all I have been blessed with. Maybe I was put on this earth to support others and have beautiful passions or maybe its just not my time yet... I guess we will have to wait and see...
 |
| The photo that changed my entire outlook on my journey... |
But then I thought what an amazing opportunity... I can watch as life is being welcomed into the world. I can be there for someone who I care about and do what I do best, just be a friend. We jotted down some dates and I was able to go with her to her gender appointment! ITS A GIRL! I was soooooooo excited for her! I thought about everything for months and about this sweet baby girl that would soon be here. And then on Monday, October 23rd 2017, I got the call saying that she thinks her water may have broken. I was excited and nervous! I met her at the airfield and then we went straight to Tripler, our Army Medical Center. We got to the hospital and things started slow at first. They didn't have a room and then finally we made it into triage. Once we got in the fun began! She was admitted into labor and delivery and we had a massive room. We joked around and talked a lot with the nurses and midwives about our expectations etc. I rememberer that surreal moment when we walked into the room for the first time and all of the baby equipment were already set up. Where she would be measured and weighed, where she would stay warm under the lights... That was the first time that percent dropped... haha So, lets rewind. I always joke with my friends and say that I am 99% content on not continuing our fertility treatments and I have accepted we are, Waite, Party of 3... From time to time, like at my friend Deanna's high tea baby shower, I joked and said my % had dropped to 70%. Anytime I see something baby cute related I jokingly say it drops.
In that moment, as we walked in that labor and delivery room for the first time, my % dropped. Haha Prob to about 50%... It was a very surreal moment that I felt so blessed to be there for. As the day turned into night, we relaxed listening to the thunderstorm (we never see lightening or hear thunder in HI so it was really nice) and then she finally decided on an epidural. For hours she tried to talk me into going to get some dinner so that I wouldn't be hungry throughout the night. I didn't want to leave her so I just waited. Finally, after they checked her and it seemed like it was going to be a while she sent me to get myself and her a sub and cookies from Subway inside the hospital. I ran down, grabbed the subs, I even forgot my chips in a rush haha, and then called my husband to make sure he had picked our little boy up from our friends and that they were settling. I told him that I would be staying the night and I cut it short. Then I ran back up stairs. When I got back to the 6th floor, which is the labor and delivery unit, I ran into the nurse anesthetist who had given my friend her epidural and she said, "Have you heard the news". I am sure I probably turned white as a sheet because my first thought was that she had the baby without me! haha But she said that she was pushing!. I ran to the room, threw the subs down and morphed into "Baby Daddy". They were talking to her and I was there for her and talking to her. She pushed three times and I seen the most amazing thing I had ever seen. This beautiful, baby girl took her first breath and then when I didn't think it could get any better she shared with us how strong her lung were. I couldn't hold back the tears. What a night! I was taking pictures and loving baby and momma and just soaking up the moment. At that moment, I was reminded how incredibly strong we as women are. And how incredibly special we are for God to choose us to deliver and raise these amazing lives. I was so happy for my friend and I know you are wondering, emotionally how did I feel? And to answer you honestly, I never for one second put myself in that situation to be sad or depressed. Everyone knows I am not that person. I don't get sad when I see babies or pregnant women etc. When I seen that momma and her baby girl, I had nothing but joy for them. It wasn't until the next day when I got home from an exhausting night in the hospital that I reflected. I ran home from the overnight stay to grab Kol from school and then to hurry and decorate for my cub scouts halloween party. My bestie called later after the party and checked on me. My friend that had delivered the baby had also sent me some pictures and a video to my phone that I didn't know she took. It was when I was holding the baby, just rocking her and humming. Closing my eyes because they burned from crying and honestly just soaking up the moment. When I seen those pictures and video, WOW, my percent went down to maybe 5%! It opened my eyes that seeing myself with that sweet baby girl, in all her glory made my ovaries hurt for the first time in a LONG time. This October 31st, will mark a year since our last fertility treatment failed. This month would've also been our baby that I miscarrieds' first birthday. Maybe all of these things have opened my eyes to just take one day at a time and enjoy our journey. Who knows what God has in store for me but I do know this. I am incredibly happy with the life he has given me. Would I be happy with another sweet baby, absolutely, but I have to have peace and be grateful with what all I have been blessed with. Maybe I was put on this earth to support others and have beautiful passions or maybe its just not my time yet... I guess we will have to wait and see...
Sunday, October 29, 2017
Chapter FOURTEEN: My lifestyle change
AUGUST, 2017
As you may know, I started the low card diet aka lifestyle. Within two months I lost over 30 lbs and started ovulating naturally! What the HECK!!! haha Too bad my husband has been away! No baby making for us right now. I cut out all sodas, drink a ton of water, and follow a decent diet. I went from 226 to 189 and a size 18 to size 12. Its been great and I am excited to see what God has in store for us. I am still am not ready to try again for a baby. As you may have read in previous post, I was content with not extending our family then I had a little hiccup but as of now I'm content and I am keeping busy dieting and spending time with Kolbey. My hubby will be home at the end of the month!
TBC
As you may know, I started the low card diet aka lifestyle. Within two months I lost over 30 lbs and started ovulating naturally! What the HECK!!! haha Too bad my husband has been away! No baby making for us right now. I cut out all sodas, drink a ton of water, and follow a decent diet. I went from 226 to 189 and a size 18 to size 12. Its been great and I am excited to see what God has in store for us. I am still am not ready to try again for a baby. As you may have read in previous post, I was content with not extending our family then I had a little hiccup but as of now I'm content and I am keeping busy dieting and spending time with Kolbey. My hubby will be home at the end of the month!
TBC
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: A fresh start...
Sunday, June 4th, 2017
A fresh start...
Tomorrow I will start my fertility journey once again... This time around I will not be sharing my experiences until I feel it is time. My husband is away for several months so this will not be a speedy process. I will start out in the morning with fasting blood work, and the low carb diet. I will weigh in the morning and have PCOS blood work completed. I am actually really excited about this because I have been wanting to check my levels for a while now but was nervous about asking my doctor. Once I am a month in with the diet, I will have my blood work re-evaluated to see if my levels are naturally leveling out. My hope is in loosing weight that my body will start correcting its self and level out naturally. This is my last attempt at doing this on my own... My husband will be away for 3 more months so that gives my body a good bit of time to readjust. I am hoping to eventually get off of metformin, I currently take 1050mg of it and it helps regulate and keep me from miscarrying as well. I personally don't think it works but I do as I'm told...
Soo... wish me blessings! Tomorrow I am cutting off all sodas, sugars and staying under 20 carbs per day... It should be interesting and I know the soda will be the toughest part. I will keep you updated on progress....
A fresh start...
Tomorrow I will start my fertility journey once again... This time around I will not be sharing my experiences until I feel it is time. My husband is away for several months so this will not be a speedy process. I will start out in the morning with fasting blood work, and the low carb diet. I will weigh in the morning and have PCOS blood work completed. I am actually really excited about this because I have been wanting to check my levels for a while now but was nervous about asking my doctor. Once I am a month in with the diet, I will have my blood work re-evaluated to see if my levels are naturally leveling out. My hope is in loosing weight that my body will start correcting its self and level out naturally. This is my last attempt at doing this on my own... My husband will be away for 3 more months so that gives my body a good bit of time to readjust. I am hoping to eventually get off of metformin, I currently take 1050mg of it and it helps regulate and keep me from miscarrying as well. I personally don't think it works but I do as I'm told...
Soo... wish me blessings! Tomorrow I am cutting off all sodas, sugars and staying under 20 carbs per day... It should be interesting and I know the soda will be the toughest part. I will keep you updated on progress....
Chapter 12... Questions and Time... March 2017
(A post that was never submitted... Early 2017)
Yesterday, God brung another beautiful baby boy into this world. A friend of mine, who went down the infertility road with me had her miracle baby yesterday. With a little bit of science and a lot of God her dreams come true of having a sweet, healthy boy.
I have never been sad or bitter or felt sorry for myself when I seen a pregnant woman. I have never cried when I seen a infant... When my friend sent me a picture of her son to let me know he had arrived, I sat and cried. I cried from happiness and relief. This little boy was wanted. They tried for years to have this miracle come true. I immediately went into the friend zone and bought him a shirt that says, "Answered Prayer (and has his name)". I cried in front of my husband, which I don't think I have ever done. It was just a weird uncontrollable cry. And the funny thing is I couldn't tell him why and I still am not sure why. I had a paint party to host tonight and I left a few hours early. My husband asked me where I was going and I told him just for a drive and to see where I ended up. I ended up at babies "r" us. Ha! You'd think I'd stay away from that place but I actually like going. I am not sure what about it I like but it actually makes me feel better for some reason. I went in and bought this baby all kinds of goodies. And I just looked and touched everything. I made a big basket of treats and cute items to take to his mom. My favorite thing was the shirt I had made... I have looked at it 100x... Just thinking about the fact that they got pregnant on their 6th IUI. When we stopped our fertility journey, we stopped on our 5th IUI. I feel like today was full of smacks and pick me ups. I was just in a funk and couldn't explain it. I slept some today because I couldn't sleep last night... I drove and drove... ending up at babies r us..., I laughed with my bestie on the phone, and as I was finishing up the shopping, I decided to drive to TJMaxx. As I was shopping I remembered when I had my shower I asked everyone instead of buying cards to buy a book and write in it instead... I decided to do that for Landon, my friends new baby. I went in search to find him a book that spoke to me... As I was searching I seen this small book between a few big ones. I dug it out and it wasn't a Childs book. It was a book called "Raindrops from Heaven. The gentle reminders of Gods Power, Presence, and Purpose". I actually laughed a little... If you'll remember in my last chapter about my gram, I was listening to a music video and the song was called "Blessings". A few lines go a little like this... "What if your blessings come through raindrops, what if you healing comes through tears..." It amused me enough that I bought the book. I started on my way to host a paint party. I was running a little behind which never happens. I was lost and all of a sudden I seen a big rainbow. I just laughed... I thought "Really God what are you trying to show me"! I finished the party and headed home. When I got there the house was quiet. I brung in all the baby goodies that I had bought for the day and walked upstairs. Both my husband and little boy were sound asleep... I remember feeling this overwhelming feeling of being so blessed. I may have never been able to carry another child but I had a amazing little family right in front of me... I went downstairs and started putting this basket of goodies together. I looked at everything very closely. I remembered the feeling of folding those tiny clothes. The smells of Lavender body wash that soothes the babies to sleep. I remember the best feeling in the world was giving Kol a bath and rubbing him down with lotion. There wasn't a better feeling in the entire world. The smell, the feeling... I would massage his little legs and he would stretch so long and smile. He was so soft and just melted my heart. ❤️ I miss those days so much... We pray for blessings... for healing and for Gods mighty hand to ease our suffering... I don't understand my infertility. When you are so young and your body doesn't work correctly it makes you mad. Quite frankly, it pisses you off. You feel betrayed by your own body... Right now, at this very moment, I have 2 friends that have just had babies, my best childhood friend is pregnant, and my other bestie is trying. I feel like I need to come up for air. I am SOOOOO happy for them all. SOOOOOO happy. I cant even express how much I am happy. Each and every one of them deserve the world, but I have to ask what makes me different? Up until a few weeks ago I had this incredible peace with everything. I was happy in my marriage, my son was acting crazy and temperamental and made me re think the 2nd child thing haha... I don't know where my peace went. I asked and begged God to give me a baby and complete our family or give me peace... I don't know what I have done to have that peace taken from me. I have now went 5 months without a fertility treatments and I had peace.
Yesterday, God brung another beautiful baby boy into this world. A friend of mine, who went down the infertility road with me had her miracle baby yesterday. With a little bit of science and a lot of God her dreams come true of having a sweet, healthy boy.
I have never been sad or bitter or felt sorry for myself when I seen a pregnant woman. I have never cried when I seen a infant... When my friend sent me a picture of her son to let me know he had arrived, I sat and cried. I cried from happiness and relief. This little boy was wanted. They tried for years to have this miracle come true. I immediately went into the friend zone and bought him a shirt that says, "Answered Prayer (and has his name)". I cried in front of my husband, which I don't think I have ever done. It was just a weird uncontrollable cry. And the funny thing is I couldn't tell him why and I still am not sure why. I had a paint party to host tonight and I left a few hours early. My husband asked me where I was going and I told him just for a drive and to see where I ended up. I ended up at babies "r" us. Ha! You'd think I'd stay away from that place but I actually like going. I am not sure what about it I like but it actually makes me feel better for some reason. I went in and bought this baby all kinds of goodies. And I just looked and touched everything. I made a big basket of treats and cute items to take to his mom. My favorite thing was the shirt I had made... I have looked at it 100x... Just thinking about the fact that they got pregnant on their 6th IUI. When we stopped our fertility journey, we stopped on our 5th IUI. I feel like today was full of smacks and pick me ups. I was just in a funk and couldn't explain it. I slept some today because I couldn't sleep last night... I drove and drove... ending up at babies r us..., I laughed with my bestie on the phone, and as I was finishing up the shopping, I decided to drive to TJMaxx. As I was shopping I remembered when I had my shower I asked everyone instead of buying cards to buy a book and write in it instead... I decided to do that for Landon, my friends new baby. I went in search to find him a book that spoke to me... As I was searching I seen this small book between a few big ones. I dug it out and it wasn't a Childs book. It was a book called "Raindrops from Heaven. The gentle reminders of Gods Power, Presence, and Purpose". I actually laughed a little... If you'll remember in my last chapter about my gram, I was listening to a music video and the song was called "Blessings". A few lines go a little like this... "What if your blessings come through raindrops, what if you healing comes through tears..." It amused me enough that I bought the book. I started on my way to host a paint party. I was running a little behind which never happens. I was lost and all of a sudden I seen a big rainbow. I just laughed... I thought "Really God what are you trying to show me"! I finished the party and headed home. When I got there the house was quiet. I brung in all the baby goodies that I had bought for the day and walked upstairs. Both my husband and little boy were sound asleep... I remember feeling this overwhelming feeling of being so blessed. I may have never been able to carry another child but I had a amazing little family right in front of me... I went downstairs and started putting this basket of goodies together. I looked at everything very closely. I remembered the feeling of folding those tiny clothes. The smells of Lavender body wash that soothes the babies to sleep. I remember the best feeling in the world was giving Kol a bath and rubbing him down with lotion. There wasn't a better feeling in the entire world. The smell, the feeling... I would massage his little legs and he would stretch so long and smile. He was so soft and just melted my heart. ❤️ I miss those days so much... We pray for blessings... for healing and for Gods mighty hand to ease our suffering... I don't understand my infertility. When you are so young and your body doesn't work correctly it makes you mad. Quite frankly, it pisses you off. You feel betrayed by your own body... Right now, at this very moment, I have 2 friends that have just had babies, my best childhood friend is pregnant, and my other bestie is trying. I feel like I need to come up for air. I am SOOOOO happy for them all. SOOOOOO happy. I cant even express how much I am happy. Each and every one of them deserve the world, but I have to ask what makes me different? Up until a few weeks ago I had this incredible peace with everything. I was happy in my marriage, my son was acting crazy and temperamental and made me re think the 2nd child thing haha... I don't know where my peace went. I asked and begged God to give me a baby and complete our family or give me peace... I don't know what I have done to have that peace taken from me. I have now went 5 months without a fertility treatments and I had peace.
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