(A post that was never submitted... Early 2017)
Yesterday, God brung another beautiful baby boy into this world. A friend of mine, who went down the infertility road with me had her miracle baby yesterday. With a little bit of science and a lot of God her dreams come true of having a sweet, healthy boy.
I have never been sad or bitter or felt sorry for myself when I seen a pregnant woman. I have never cried when I seen a infant... When my friend sent me a picture of her son to let me know he had arrived, I sat and cried. I cried from happiness and relief. This little boy was wanted. They tried for years to have this miracle come true. I immediately went into the friend zone and bought him a shirt that says, "Answered Prayer (and has his name)". I cried in front of my husband, which I don't think I have ever done. It was just a weird uncontrollable cry. And the funny thing is I couldn't tell him why and I still am not sure why. I had a paint party to host tonight and I left a few hours early. My husband asked me where I was going and I told him just for a drive and to see where I ended up. I ended up at babies "r" us. Ha! You'd think I'd stay away from that place but I actually like going. I am not sure what about it I like but it actually makes me feel better for some reason. I went in and bought this baby all kinds of goodies. And I just looked and touched everything. I made a big basket of treats and cute items to take to his mom. My favorite thing was the shirt I had made... I have looked at it 100x... Just thinking about the fact that they got pregnant on their 6th IUI. When we stopped our fertility journey, we stopped on our 5th IUI. I feel like today was full of smacks and pick me ups. I was just in a funk and couldn't explain it. I slept some today because I couldn't sleep last night... I drove and drove... ending up at babies r us..., I laughed with my bestie on the phone, and as I was finishing up the shopping, I decided to drive to TJMaxx. As I was shopping I remembered when I had my shower I asked everyone instead of buying cards to buy a book and write in it instead... I decided to do that for Landon, my friends new baby. I went in search to find him a book that spoke to me... As I was searching I seen this small book between a few big ones. I dug it out and it wasn't a Childs book. It was a book called "Raindrops from Heaven. The gentle reminders of Gods Power, Presence, and Purpose". I actually laughed a little... If you'll remember in my last chapter about my gram, I was listening to a music video and the song was called "Blessings". A few lines go a little like this... "What if your blessings come through raindrops, what if you healing comes through tears..." It amused me enough that I bought the book. I started on my way to host a paint party. I was running a little behind which never happens. I was lost and all of a sudden I seen a big rainbow. I just laughed... I thought "Really God what are you trying to show me"! I finished the party and headed home. When I got there the house was quiet. I brung in all the baby goodies that I had bought for the day and walked upstairs. Both my husband and little boy were sound asleep... I remember feeling this overwhelming feeling of being so blessed. I may have never been able to carry another child but I had a amazing little family right in front of me... I went downstairs and started putting this basket of goodies together. I looked at everything very closely. I remembered the feeling of folding those tiny clothes. The smells of Lavender body wash that soothes the babies to sleep. I remember the best feeling in the world was giving Kol a bath and rubbing him down with lotion. There wasn't a better feeling in the entire world. The smell, the feeling... I would massage his little legs and he would stretch so long and smile. He was so soft and just melted my heart. ❤️ I miss those days so much... We pray for blessings... for healing and for Gods mighty hand to ease our suffering... I don't understand my infertility. When you are so young and your body doesn't work correctly it makes you mad. Quite frankly, it pisses you off. You feel betrayed by your own body... Right now, at this very moment, I have 2 friends that have just had babies, my best childhood friend is pregnant, and my other bestie is trying. I feel like I need to come up for air. I am SOOOOO happy for them all. SOOOOOO happy. I cant even express how much I am happy. Each and every one of them deserve the world, but I have to ask what makes me different? Up until a few weeks ago I had this incredible peace with everything. I was happy in my marriage, my son was acting crazy and temperamental and made me re think the 2nd child thing haha... I don't know where my peace went. I asked and begged God to give me a baby and complete our family or give me peace... I don't know what I have done to have that peace taken from me. I have now went 5 months without a fertility treatments and I had peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment