Saturday, October 22, 2016

Those rays... Chapter ELEVEN







The morning my life changed forever...

I woke up to frantic lady beating on my front door then at my master bedroom window. I opened the blinds and she rushed me to come outside... It was a little after 7am. and y'all know I don't do mornings... Kolbey was still asleep, I slipped on some clothes and ran outside. I seen a firetruck, ambulance and a old red truck in the side yard between my Grams house and mine. The lady was screaming, I could barely understand her. She needed to know who my neighbor was. I comforted her and told her not to worry, my gram wouldn't be mad that her truck had tore up our yards. She then went on to tell me that the man driving the red truck had killed my neighbor. I immediately went numb. I told her no, it was a mistake my gram should already be at the Tearoom by then. Then everything was in slow motion. I never confirmed to her who my "neighbor" was. I walked away from the lady toward the truck. I had no idea what to do. The EMT's were standing round and so were the fireman. I was confused as to why they were not hurrying and why was everyone just standing around? Was she in the ambulance? Should I walk to the truck? Should I ask the paramedics why they were not doing anything??? Everything was slow and unraveling in front of me. I was alone. My 1 yr old was all I had and he was inside asleep. I called my dad. No answer. he had jumped in the shower to start his day. I called my dads brother Scott. He answered. I will never forget his voice. He sounded so cheerful at first until I told him what the lady said. He apologized and thought i was a "kelly" that went to his church. When I told him that it was me, his niece, his toned changed. His voice is something I will never get out of my head. I can hear it right now like he's standing in front of me. He said, "MY MOMMA"!!! My dad called me back an immediately cried but tried to be strong and keep me calm. They were all on the way to me. I kept thinking what do i do? I am alone? I called my neighbors and they were at work, then I called my Godmother. She didn't answer, I called her cell and her house. A friend of my dads pulled up on his Harley and he was responding to the call because he is a fireman. I was asking him why they were not working on her? Was it really her? He ran to talk to his guys and come back with tears in his eyes. When I was about to loose it I seen my Godmother running down the hill. It felt like I was seeing a angel. She ran to me, she had to run by the truck to get to me and at the time I didn't realize my gram was still under the truck. When I seen my Godmothers face I knew it was true. My gram was dead.
My gram at her tearoom

I felt like my entire life just stopped. I couldn't breathe... I screamed and cried and was at a disbelief. The woman who amazed me daily was dead. I have never met a sweeter person or a person with more sincerity in her heart. She loved the Lord with every single bone in her body. Of course I was hardheaded and had to see her, I never seen her all the way but did see some of her body. I just needed to be sure. My parents showed up then my aunt and uncle and my little cousin Alison (she's several years younger than me). Alison was in school that morning, I prayed that they would let her go the day without knowing and she could have a few more hours without heart ache. I felt a overwhelming sense of sadness and guilt for my cousin. My gram had seen me graduate and get married, she got to spend almost 2 years with my sweet baby boy. I was her neighbor for years, I taught her how to swim (she bought a house with a in ground pool and couldn't swim) I worked with her at the tearoom... My cousin didn't get to experience most of those things. My gram always said if she didn't make it to our weddings to put a yellow rose on her seat... I look forward to the day I can watch my cousin walk down the isle and when I add that yellow rose to the row of family.
Loosing her was unimaginable. Especially the way she left this world. The aftermath was just as bad. I used to sit on her front porch in the mornings, mid day, the evenings after she died. I watched the man who killed her add flowers to the grass where he ran her over. I had so much hate for this man. My gram was walking to her mailbox and he said he seen her but thought she seen him, then she bent down in a fetal position because he couldn't stop. She was then hit and dragged to her death. Try living with that visual. He not only killed my gram but he took my comfort of home. I wanted to move, get away from that tiny town where everyone knew us. I grew up in the house that I was currently living in, its always been home. I didn't want to throw up when someone knocked on my front door. I didn't want to see her blood and bone on the side of the road after the fd washed it away... My "home" was gone. For months after I looked for houses and apartments, my marriage fell apart (we were already off and on but this made it so much worse), I wouldn't let Kolbey go in the yard at all. I completely shut down. I couldn't sleep, all i would do is stare out my window. Time went on but my hart didn't heal. After months and months I called my best friend who was stationed in NY and said pick me up at the airport on Monday. She thought i was joking because she knows i am terrified to fly. I needed to get away and find me again. I flew for the first time alone from NC to upstate NY. I fell in love with the area. I think it was the people I met and the comforting safe haven I had found away from home. I was def not looking for a boyfriend, i remember even saying I would never date a soldier. I ended up meeting my current husband that trip. We of course didn't date for a long while after, we didnt even speak that trip, but without sorrow and pain I wouldv'e never found my happiness. Trust me, if I wouldn't have hit rock bottom I would never have gotten on a plane. My gram, She inspired me. She made me want to be a better person. Loosing her the way I did changed me. I always imagined we would find her in bed with her Bible peacefully entering heavens gates. I can't honestly say she went peacefully but I can say she went fast. The last step she took in this world was the first one she took in heaven.

My cousin and Gram

Up until we moved to Hawaii I stayed in my house. I remember thinking that it would be the best thing for me. To get away from all the hurt and memory. haha God has a sense of humor. At her funeral I bent over backwards to have live, beautiful monarch butterflies to release. Finally I had found a company that would let me buy them. We released them at her graveside for the symbolic meaning of a new beginning. It was beautiful... Now, I sit on this beautiful island and I see butterflies all the time and i get cracked up. We make jokes that she followed us here (no we do not believe in reincarnation lol its just a little humor we have). I mean really, how do butterflies get to a island in the middle of the pacific ocean? :) i thought I could get away but instead everything I see reminds me of her. The mountains here are like something you've never seen, they are amazing. She loved the beauty of mountains. Then there is the beautiful coast line, the roar of the waves. The simple lifestyle. She would have adored this place. There is not one day that goes by that I don't think about her. I actually think about her more here than living beside her house. We have beautiful mountains behind our house and when the sun sets it shines the most beautiful sun rays over the mountains. When I was a little girl my mom told me that when you see sun rays in the sky, it's people going to heaven. I see those rays daily. Even though I know my gram is already in heaven I can't help but to think of her. If I am a tenth of the woman and leader that she was, I will be content.
When I think of our infertility journey i often think, what would my gram think? What advice would she give me? I know she would be all for us having a baby and it makes me so sad that she will never meet our rainbow baby if we ever get that gift. Maybe thats what the hold up is? Maybe she's not wanting to give that sweet baby up yet? ;) I know she would pray. She didn't have a lot of money but she could pray and love harder than anyone I have ever met. It doesn't matter where in the world I move, she's in me. I see her in myself often which makes me happy. Kolbey loves to read and she loved it too. She used to read books to me and we would do my book reports together shhhh!

My gram bought me this in 1989, I gave it to Kolbey last night
Her message to me in 1989, I was 1yr old                











:)                                                                                                     My thoughts are that there is a little of her in all of us. I see her in my daddy so much. He loves and prays just like her. He is a goofball but will cry at the drop of a hat. We were blessed to have her as our role model for as long as we did and as I get my life back on track I feel her even more. During this fertility journey i have had a million feelings. I have cried and been mad and disappointed that I couldn't conceive... But now I am almost thankful for it. It has opened my eyes and heart to so many new things. And I am not afraid. I am not afraid to live. This journey has made me have peace with a lot. I can now say that after all of these years I forgive Mr. Burgess, the man who killed my gram. I know love and I know peace. I was so mad when my dad and his brothers prayed for this man after they knew he killed their mom? My daddy told me then that when my relationship with God gets stronger and i really learn what it feels like to trust in him I will be able to understand why he prayed with that man. That man has to live with the fate every single day. He has to remember her face and the way it felt and the sound. I have played it a million times in my head and it makes me sick to think of what this man has to live with. I pray for peace for him. I don't even know if he is still alive but I feel sorry for him knowing that he had to see my face, he originally thought I was just a neighbor but in fact I was her first born grand baby girl. he has to live with that. I have actually started praying for him, and although my schedules are crazy and I'm always giving and doing something, lately I have finally found my happiness and peace.

I am still praying for our rainbow baby but i have more of a peace now. Today I read a message. 1 Peter 5:10 says, After your season of suffering, God in all his Grace will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you... And I believe that...




When my daddy got ordained and he wore a pin with his moms picture on his suit. She was so proud of him, she died a few months prior to his ordination...

My Uncle, Gram and Daddy at my wedding 
The 3 piece mural the town painted in memory of my Gram. There was a Cup & Saucer to represent her Cup & Saucer Tearoom she owned as well as the monarch butterflies 

We added butterflies and the quote "It's in the dash that matters" Meaning the date on a headstone is your birthdate, then there is a dash, then the year you died... What matters is what you done in between those years...








Popular Kings Mountain Restaurant Closing Doors After Owner's Tragic Death 

Updated: 
KINGS MOUNTAIN, N.C.,None - Mary Alice Armstrong spent 11 years serving customers, reaching out to people and touching lives through her business, the Cup and Saucer Tea Room.
After being struck and killed by a truck less than two weeks ago, the Kings Mountain tea room will be closing its doors for good.
People who call the restaurant will get a voice recorded message from her son, Scott Mann, who identifies himself as Armstrong's "baby boy."
"She went to be with the Lord this morning so the Cup & Saucer Tea Room will not be open anymore," he said. "My mom loved each one of you dearly."
Mann requested prayers for the family and for the man, George Burgess, 56, who was driving the truck.
N.C. Highway Patrol Trooper Scott Meade said Burgess will not be charged.
Burgess was driving his Chevrolet truck down Kiser Road on his way to a relative's house the morning of the incident. He told Meade that he saw Armstrong and he thought she saw him. When the woman stepped into the street, he swerved to miss her, but the left rear side of the truck slammed into Armstrong.
She was killed immediately.
Armstrong, 74, was described as a person who was full of life, someone who reached out to the community to help those in need.
According to the Cup and Saucer's Facebook page, a celebration of life service was held Wednesday
Many people left comments on the page expressing their condolences and what she meant to them.
"You will be remembered for so many good things, not the least of which is your wonderful cooking and friendly ways and smiling face," wrote Jenny Clapp.
"Alice was so special to us," wrote Emily Eaker Beam. "I'm thankful we were able to make it by and visit with her, I will hold that last memory in my heart forever."
The messages continued.
"Alice will be terribly missed in our community, town, and our lives," wrote Jada McDaniel on Facebook. "I can't help think about how excited it must have been to enter those pearly gates. We lost a wonderful warrior of Christ, but heaven gained a faithful daughter."
Armstrong had opened the restaurant in 2001 after retiring from John Deere.
According to her family, sitting at home wasn't enough activity for her.
"She worked every day at 74 years old," said Armstrong's neighbor, Michelle Brockman.
The tea room, located in a historic building in Kings Mountain, offered sandwiches, soups, tea, coffee as well as evening parties and bridal luncheons.
Mann ended his voice message with a thank you.
"God bless you," he said. "Thank you for letting my mama serve you."


Restaurant owner fatally hit by pickup truck while getting mail

Posted: May 26, 2011 3:45 AM HSTUpdated: Jun 25, 2011 3:45 AM HST

 
Mary Alice ArmstrongMary Alice Armstrong

 
Armstrong ran the Cup & Saucer Tea Room in Kings Mountain.Armstrong ran the Cup & Saucer Tea Room in Kings Mountain.

 
The highway patrol says this truck hit Armstrong Thursday morning.The highway patrol says this truck hit Armstrong Thursday morning.
GASTON COUNTY, NC (WBTV) - A woman who ran a very popular Kings Mountain tea room was struck and killed by a pickup truck in Gaston County Thursday morning.
The wreck happened at 7:45 a.m. in the 200 block of Kiser Road outside Bessemer City.
According to the North Carolina Highway Patrol, 74-year-old Mary "Alice" Armstrong was in her driveway about to walk across the road to retrieve her mail when she was hit by a pickup truck driven by 56-year-old George Burgess of Kings Mountain. 
According to Trooper Scott Meade, Burgess said he first saw Armstrong at the edge of her driveway and that she even glanced his way. 
Burgess told Meade he thought Armstrong saw him, but she continued to step into the roadway and then crouched down in a fetal position before she was hit by the pickup.
The highway patrol say Burgess was not at fault and he will not be charged.
Trooper Meade said Armstrong has three sons. Two are ordained ministers, and the third is about to be ordained.
The trooper said following the accident, two of the sons gathered around Burgess and shared a prayed together. 
The sons said they did not have any ill will against Burgess over what happened to their mother, the trooper said.
Armstrong ran the Cup & Saucer Tea Room in Kings Mountain. She opened the business in 2001 in a restored historic home.
She got the idea to open the restaurant after some friends repeatedly told her they loved her food, according to an article in the Cleveland County Chamber of Commerce newsletter in 2005.
"The rest is history! I cannot begin to tell you how our business has grown," Armstrong told the Chamber of Commerce. "In my wildest dreams, I never imagined how God would bless us!"
She was known to help the community by providing gifts or gift certificates to be used in fund-raising events by schools and other local non-profit organizations.
There were some comments on the restaurant's Facebook page Thursday as people learned of her death.
"Rest in Peace Alice! You will truly be missed!" one person wrote on the Facebook page.
Copyright 2011 WBTV. All rights reserved.






Thursday, October 20, 2016

31 days of Prayer... Chapter TEN

I would like to share that this is a new part of my journey. I am on cycle day 17 of this month and I have a prayer calendar. I can really say even in the last month I have really seen my faith grow. I feel God talking to me in the car, when I am listening to music, when I am online, even when I am getting ready each day. I skipped a few days and needed to get caught up and I got stuck on the day 15s verse.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18New Living Translation (NLT)

16 Always be joyful. 17 Never stop praying. 18 Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

That really speaks to me tonight... This is Gods will. We do not know how our journey will end or how many ripples we will have in the waves but regardless it's his will for us. We need to accept that... And most importantly not to loose faith in Him and to continue to stay humble under the circumstances 

Join me on my journey... 

Friendly reminders... Chapter NINE

Hey guys, I thought I would just jot a little something down tonight and reflect on the day. 
So, I received good fertility news from not one but TWO friends today! It is just a friendly reminder that God is not finished in our lives. One of my friends... Man does she deserve the best! I love her to pieces and she will always have a part of my heart. She has had such a journey! I used to negotiate with God all the time about her. I used to pray so hard that if I can't get pregnant then that's ok, give it to her! She deserves it! Besides holding my own child, there is nothing in this world that would make me happier than to see her give birth to an amazing little one. I can't say enough about her or her husband. Every time we think she's pregnant I just cry like a baby. I want her to get pregnant so much it hurts. 
I have no idea what Gods plan is but I am not going to lie, I feel a little bitter tonight. I think about my friend and I don't understand why she keeps having the same outcome. Even with changing meds and scenarios, its always the same. I don't understand! I know 98% of the time I am so positive but then there's nights like tonight when I get pissed! I get mad and disappointed and just want to be alone. Tonight we went to my husbands company boo bash and and i can't help but to think we would've had a newborn there and would have been dressing our baby in its first halloween costume tonight. 

Our Big boy, 7yrs old... Tonight at the boo bash
The funny part is I didn't even think about it at the event, i thought about it after. I came home and was cleaning with Christmas music playing, then I watched a few Christmas movies... Ya know, it's the music every time that gets me! haha The sweet soft melodies... it just turns you into mush! 
But back to the positive... She got good news today! Please, PLEASE pray for her! Pray for her follicles and her lining and that those babies stick!!! Pray for her heart and feelings. Pray for a healthy pregnancy. And if God is feeling super generous Pray for TWINS! Myself on the other hand, dont pray for that for me! haha She's been through so much I dont think she will ever put herself through this again if she had a baby and she's always wanted two so heck, lets pray for that. 
In Matthew 14:13-21, he feeds 5,000 men, not counting women and children, which might have placed the number at 10,000, maybe more. He has only 5 loaves and 2 fish (7 total), after which, his Disciples collect 12 basketfuls of uneaten leftovers (12).
So let me just say, If my God can do that, He can give my friend some babies! 

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

It's a New Day! Chapter EIGHT

Aloha and good morning. I received GREAT news this morning. I wasn't feeling the best this am and was really BLAH about working today. Everyone who has been my client in the past or present knows that I typically get very close to my clients. Of course I will never say names but my client gave me the best news! SHE'S PREGNANT! This client of mine has had it rough! She went through a horrible miscarriage a while back and tried for about 7 months after to get pregnant and nothing! Finally they received great news and they are expecting! That is one huge blessing of my job. I have had clients share great fertility stories, clients with cancer, deaths within clients, you laugh together, cry together, mourn together... I couldn't have ever asked for a better job for my personality. I love to help people and love learning about people and their lives. Congrats to this sweet family, you are a blog reader so I hope you see this. You both completely deserve it! 

With that said, No. I do not get sad when I hear people are pregnant. I am not that person. I am not bitter, I love a good turn out for anyone... Now, i will say, I try not to question God when I see teens pregnant or women that have 6 kids and can't afford them. I worked in a pediatric clinic before moving to Hawaii and we had a 12/13yr old girls getting pregnant. Stories like that make me irritated and at the same time try my faith... Why give someone who isn't financially stable a child? Why give a child a child? Why give someone a pregnancy when they are going to abort? Those are all the questions that float in my head from time to time. But at the end of the day, its not my place to question God or anyone else for that matter. I take every day one day at a time... Right now I have a best friend struggling with infertility, another friend who is pregnant, another friend who has lost her baby this week at almost the halfway mark, and another friend who just delivered. There is sadness and blessings all around us. It depends on how open you are to see them. The key is to NOT let yourself get down. Don't have a pity party for yourself. If you do limit it. Whatever, some people need to cry in the shower, some people need to watch life time movies and cry. Do it, but not for long. I am SOOOOO not perfect and not nearly as strong as i'd like to be but I work on it daily. Yes, I do have my moments. I don't really cry though. I can cry during a commercial or for a friend but I have a hard time crying with situations in my own life. I would be lying if I told you I never look at baby items. I'd be lying if I said I didn't already have my nursery furnture picked out for either gender. I know what bedding I want, I know how I want to set up the room. Kolbey and Shay have sit in almost ever glider and recliner in BabiesRus. Myself and Kolbey were on Pinterest one night months ago and we seen a sea glass baby mobile. It was adorable! He said he was going to collect a lot so that he can make his sibling the mobile. 




When I get down, thats what we do. We go to the beach and hunt for sea glass. Kolbey loves it and its relaxing for me to hear the waves and see Gods beauty. There is nothing better than sitting and watching your child have fun and know he feels important and that he's on a mission! He wants to find as many pieces as possible! We actually went this weekend. The day after my 5th IUI procedure I sit on the beach and watched him and his dad search. Coming back with pockets full and baggies full of glass. Kolbey cracks me up, we will be walking in a parking lot somewhere and if he sees glass he goes to check it out! haha 
I hope everyone has a blessed week. I just wanted to drop by and share the good news. God is still at work! <3 

Fast forward to present time... October 2016... Chapter SEVEN

Lets speed this process up a little to present day...
October... As you can see this has been a very LONG process. We are currently in our 5th IUI cycle but I have hit my year mark with the fertility clinic. I went for my baseline ultrasound to make sure everything was ok to start my next cycle and BOOM another curve ball... I had a cyst on my left ovary that was almost the size of a golf ball. My heart sunk when the doctor started measuring it. Sigh, its always something... But when you hear your seven year old asking God for a baby sister in his prayers, it keeps you going. Kolbey asks all the time, whats taking God so long? Why do we not have a baby yet? Why did God take our other baby? Its heartbreaking but sometimes it's what I need... 
My doctor ran some blood work to see if my cyst was full of estrogen, if it was I would have to skip a month of treatment because the shots would make the cyst grow larger. If it was negative for estrogen he said it should go down on its own and i could continue with the treatment. Later that day I received the call from my doctor that everything looked good and I could start my 5th IUI cycle. 
The next step was to start the shots and hope that I grew some follicles. The doctors consider 18mm follicles+ mature. When i went in about 10 days later i received yet another let down. My follicles were at a 12mm, 13mm, and 15mm if i remember correctly. So my doctor had me take two more nights of the shots and scheduled my procedure. I am always nervous about the fact of spending so much money on the procedures and I may not even have a mature follicle. But it is just a chance we take. 


The med to help with PCOS and to decrease miscarriage rate

the trigger shot, this is what releases your follicles 

you always take prenatals 

it has been said that 81mg of bayer will thicken your uterine lining 

my nightly shots
What your stomach looks like after a week of shots, swollen, sore and bruised














Last month i had several large follicles and when i went in a few days later I only had 1 so its hard to be positive... Another complete game changer was a conversation my doctor confronted me with. She has been my doctor from day one and we have gained more of a friendship almost than a Dr/patient relationship. I trust and honor her opinions but I wasn't ready for the conversation that she started. From the very beginning you all know if you have read my blog, i was completely against procedures, i wanted everything to be as normal and natural as possible. Well, I have always been very open that I would NEVER do IVF treatments which honestly is the only step left for us. 

Just so you know, IVF is when the doctor gives you lots of shots and meds and once they are ready, you are put to sleep and he takes a needle and extracts the eggs from the females body. Once he has the eggs he mixes them with washed sperm. Only a few will create a embryo which is a baby if it attaches to your uterine wall. They will then choose what looks to be the best, and insert however many you want in the uterus. You will then wait and see if the baby attaches and starts to grow...

She asked me why I was so against it and after 6 unsuccessful IUI treatments that the chances of me becoming pregnant that way are slim to none. My reasoning is that it felt unnatural? Why couldn't God just give me a baby? We are financially stable, have a good marriage, and we are happy. We are in a great place we just feel like we are missing our baby. Another reason that i disliked the idea of IVF was because of the cost... IVF is very expensive. Most people can not afford it but because we are military we do get somewhat of a discount, around $7500.00 for one cycle. The average cost of in vitro fertilization in the U.S. is currently about $11,000 to $12,000+ depending on the circumstances. 
She did cheat a little and tell me about a loop hole if i were to buy a private insurance. In the state of Hawaii if you purchase a private insurance plan they will cover the majority of the cost, it makes one treatment about $2900-$3900. After talking with her about the religious side, as she is a christian, and sharing my thoughts it became a little more clear that IVF may be a option for us. We are currently still weighing our options but I ended up being very thankful that she did have that conversation with me because I would have never brung it up.

I had my IUI on Saturday the 15th and I am not supposed to test until 16 days after. But typically by day 14 if I'm going to start my period i will. So I am currently in my 2WW which in the fertility world, the two week wait. I did have my procedure done at the the Fertility Institute downtown and it was a little more painful than usual. I am not sure exactly why but she did have to take the catheter out several times and reposition it. 

after iui waiting to go home 

Amongst everything else against us I have a retroverted uterus which just means its tilted backwards and can cause a lot of pain and discomfort during my menstrual time and during ovulation. But during a IUI it can make it a little more difficult when the doctor is guiding the catheter to where it is supposed to be. I am currently just trying to take it easy and rest, my son has been out of school on fall break so that has been nice getting to spend some quality time with him. I will be testing Halloween day for pregnancy. Please keep us in your prayers. We are praying that this cycle is it. I could get mad, I could be pissed at God for putting us through this and for letting me loose my baby. I would have a newborn this month if I wouldn't have miscarried in January. Instead of blaming him I decided to "Embrace our Journey". Myself, my husband, and little boy, we are a team and we believe that no matter what the outcome is that God will use us in some way. Maybe we will never be able to hold that baby in our arms, maybe we will waist thousands of dollars in fertility meds and procedures, maybe we will cry at negitive test, be upset because the way the meds make me feel, have a disappointed little boy? But I choose not to... I refuse to sink. If we do not get the opportunity to have another child we will embrace our journey and hopefully be a inspiration to others not to give up on each other or your faith. 
2 Chronicles 15:7 says "But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded". 
Mark 10:27 says "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God". 
Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest".

These are just a few verses that speak to my heart. I know that God hasn't left me in this journey. Honestly, this journey has brung me back to my beliefs and has made me grow as a person. It has made me have a compassion and love that I have never experienced. For months and months, only two of my best friends stationed here in Hawaii knew our struggles. It was one of them who talked me into seeing a doctor. We all three were fertility patients, we have all cried to one another and been there for each other. I kept it a secret from my family for many reasons. First of all, my best friend in the entire world for the last 28 years kind of has beliefs that one child is enough, and for some people one child is enough. This friend of mine is my daddy. I kept it from him for the longest time, we talk several times a day and I have always left out the fertility talk. My dad also thinks the world is so bad that we shouldn't bring children into the world now. I agree completely that this world is crazy and it scares me to have children grow up in it. But the way I see it is, I already have a seven year old thats growing up in it and I wouldn't change that for the world because he is everything to me. So he might as well have a side kick to conquer this world with! The first family to find out was my aunt and uncle, if you've been keeping up with my blog you'd know they were here when i had my miscarriage. They've always been there for me no matter what and I love them so much for that. I slowly started sharing my story, i started with friends then clients. Then as i started sharing with clients they started sharing their stories with me. It is amazing how many people have been through similar circumstances but you'd never know it. I eventually went on to tell my mom and dad. My mom of course has always wanted a baby girl... Also, I am not sure if i have mentioned this but I am the only child and my son is the only grandchild on my side. I think my dad is coming around, he still changes the subject a lot and doesn't understand one hundred percent but I am praying he will open his heart and accept that we want a family and we want this. Its hard but since when is it ok to give up on something that gets tough. I come from a family who has struggled, owned their own businesses and have eventually become quite successful. If anyone they should realize that easy is not always the situation. So for now we are holding on to our faith and praying for this miracle, rainbow baby we so desperately want. 

I will leave you with this... 
Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand".





Have a good week, and if anyone as any questions or wants to share their story on my blog feel free...

Monday, October 17, 2016

The journey continues... Chapter SIX

Well March went by, then April and June... July came and went, the clinic actually missed my ovulation that month because it fell on the 4th of July and they were closed. Somewhere in that mix, I believe in April we started doing IUI procedures. Your partner will give a sperm sample, which will be washed and prepared for the IUI procedure. This washing can remove potentially toxic chemicals possibly present in the sperm that your body may negatively react to. These chemicals can sometimes cause an allergic reaction in women, which could hinder pregnancy. Washing the sperm may also minimize the cramping that sometimes occurs after the IUI procedure. This washing and preparation process also concentrates the sperm into a high volume. This high concentration helps the healthiest, most mobile sperm to reach the egg. This helps to increase IUI success rates.
Injecting the prepared sperm into your uterus is quick and virtually painless (for most people except of course me). This part of the IUI procedure takes about 5 min at the most. 

Here is what to expect:
  1. You will lie down on the exam table as you normally do for a pelvic exam. 
this was my latest iui...

oct iui #5


2. Your doctor will insert a very small, thin and flexible catheter into your cervix. 
it looks innocent, but its not lol


3. The washed sperm sample is injected right into your uterus, then you lay and wait
almost ready to go home 


There's that in a nutshell :) We did one after another painful ovulations and IUI procedures and non of them produced a pregnancy... In about August we had to switch to injectable medications instead of the femara. Because femara is not FDA approved you can only do so many months on it. We switched to Gonal-F injections and added the lovely vaginal suppositories! Uhg I hate those things! Injections are nightly in the stomach and then you still do the trigger shot. Once you have the IUI you start the vaginal progesterone suppositories twice a day....
The new daily Shot
And the new dreaded vaginal insert... 

A crushed heart... Chapter FIVE

I called the doctor on a Thursday afternoon and didn't get to speak with anyone. Friday I called and they were not going to be able to see me until Monday which was fine because i knew the facts. The bleeding started on Thursday morning and stopped. Friday I had no bleeding and Saturday it started full force! I had never seen so much blood, I wondered honestly if id bleed to death. I went to my appointment on Monday and the Dr I had to see gave me false hope. He said well if you got several positives you are pregnant! I went on to tell him that I was bleeding so bad there is no way i kept the pregnancy. He sent me for blood work and my levels were already back to a 3. Which in the medical world anything under a 5 is a negative for pregnancy. You typically have to have at least a level of 50 to get a positive home test, i took several all positive on Thursday and Friday. Monday a 3!!! I learned very quick that levels drop drastically once you start miscarrying. I bled HEAVY for almost three weeks. I was numb because I had not even got to tell my hubby and when he got home he had no idea what was going on. All this time I stayed strong and continued driving my aunt and uncle around because this was their first and possibly last trip to Hawaii, i didn't want them to miss anything! We skipped the month of February for our fertility treatments to get my body back to normal then picked up again in March.

Our first treatment... Chapter FOUR

Well... I started all of my new meds and I wont lie, I was sick as a dog! That metformin is no joke! It kills your stomach! The idea behind Metformin is that it keeps your blood sugar regulated and helps with miscarriage rates because having PCOS you have a increased rate of loosing the baby once you become pregnant. 
I have friends going through the same treatment plan i was going through so it made life a little easier. I stayed very optimistic in our first cycle and stress free. I felt if God wanted us to get pregnant than we would. For our first cycle of meds we decided to have timed intercourse instead of any procedures. You start out when you get your monthly period. Three to five days into it you have what they call a baseline ultrasound to make sure there is no cyst or any other issues. If you are clear then you begin treatment, first month i was good to go! You take your meds nightly and then after about a week and a half you go back in for another ultrasound to see how many follicles your body created. For a "normal" woman the number of active follicles changes with each cycle, but typically only one follicle per month in a single ovary becomes dominant over the others and produces a viable egg. Well with fertility treatments you often want more. My first treatment I had several so i was clear to go home and give myself the ovidrel shot to release those eggs that we grew! Giving yourself a shot is very intertesting, my six year old (at the time) thought it was super cool! You give it to yourself beside your belly button. Then if you choose no procedures you just have intercourse when your doctor tells you to. Typically 14 days after your ovulation you take a pregnancy test. Now something I should mention is the Ovidrel shot you give yourself when you are ready to release your eggs is straight HCG! A lot of women test too early and get a false positive on a pregnancy test. HCG is the hormone that your body makes when you are pregnant so testing too early can pick up on the shot. I tested day 14 and was let down. I got a negative on my pregnancy test but of course  I dusted myself off and continued with my busy life. Oh I should mention that my aunt and uncle had just arrived a day or so before for their first Hawaiian adventure. Day 16, still no period and I took another test, it was POSITIVE!!!! I handed the test to my aunt and said ummmm do you see a line? She was soooooooo excited and I was so thankful they were there with me because my husband was away again training for the month. We had FINALLY got our positive!!! I was so excited and thought of so many ways to surprise my hubby when he got home from the field! I had made up my mind that I was going to write your going to be a daddy on the inside bottom of his coffee cup so once he drinks it he will see the message. Man I was so excited and honestly shocked that we had one treatment and BOOM baby! So I continued to play tour guide and take it easy with my aunt and uncle and i took them to North Shore to see the roaring waves. On our way we stopped at a coffee place that is very popular to look around. Once we arrived there I decided to go to the bathroom and when i went in i was shocked that I was bleeding. I went numb. I had not even got to tell my husband we were pregnant yet. I just went into the coffee shop and didn't say a word. After, I wispered to my aunt i was bleeding, ill never forget the look she had on her face. I know from the fertility world that if you are miscarrying there is nothing they can do for you. I bled with my first pregnancy too so I hoped it was just like the last and would be fine. 

The Consultation... Chapter THREE

I went to the fertility clinic and met with a Dr. who basically gave me a packet of paperwork, a todo list, and said once i completed it as well as my husband we could be seen. I was a little overwhelmed but just like I do everything else, I decided to jump in and start making the appointments for myself and my husband and check off that list. By the end of that day I had everything in order and all appointments made for our exams and blood work to complete our list. This was all in the month of October 2015. I had so much blood work done at different times of the month and i had to have a HSG test completed as well. Let me just say, for some its not painful, for me, it was excruciating. Typically its painful for patients that have blocked tubes but for me mine was clear! A ragiologist runs dye into the uterine cavity through the vagina and cervix. The uterine cavity fills with dye and if the fallopian tubes are open, dye fills the tubes and spills into the abdominal cavity. Mine being clear was a great sign so we moved on to the next item on the list which was a transvaginal ultrasound. So, because I have had a lot of cyst on my ovaries i am unfortunately used to having them done. But i can say i have never had a ultrasound tech hand me the probe and tell me to use it hahahaha it was the most awkward moment of my life! I was like ummm, isn't this your job? That test also come back clear... The next thing on the list was that my hubby needed blood work complete as well as a semen sample. Now I always joked that because my hubby is 10 years older than me that our fertility issue had to be with him! I honestly knew that men can make babies until they die but it made it easier to joke about blaming him! We had to put off our appointment because my husband had a training in Singapore and that fast forwards us to December 2015. My husband completed his test and we took another break because we went home to NC to surprised our family for Chrsitmas. We FINALLY were able to get back into the clinic in January of 2016 and met a super sweet Doctor, who I grew to love. Her name was Doctor Middleton and she was so was quick and honest. My husband went with me to the consultation to go over all the test results and Middleton jumped right into FERTILITY MEDS and procedures! I was like Whoah darlin' I am not sure I want to do all that! She first wanted me to try Clomid but we joked that it sounds too much like cloning and my hub said no haha but on top of that Clomid has a lot of negitive side effects and a bigger possibility of multiples which we did not want. So I met her in the middle and started taking Metformin for my PCOS, prenatal vitamins (because you will learn quickly you have to always assume you are prego), Femera (the other option instead of Clomid) and Ovidrel which is a shot you give yourself when its time to make your body ovulate. The weirdest part I think for me was 1. i hate taking meds and 2. Femera is not FDA approved for fertility but is for breast cancer. That freaked me out a smidgin, I wont lie! So that moves us into the forth chapter of our story...