Fast forward to present time... October 2016... Chapter SEVEN

Lets speed this process up a little to present day...

October... As you can see this has been a very LONG process. We are currently in our 5th IUI cycle but I have hit my year mark with the fertility clinic. I went for my baseline ultrasound to make sure everything was ok to start my next cycle and BOOM another curve ball... I had a cyst on my left ovary that was almost the size of a golf ball. My heart sunk when the doctor started measuring it. Sigh, its always something... But when you hear your seven year old asking God for a baby sister in his prayers, it keeps you going. Kolbey asks all the time, whats taking God so long? Why do we not have a baby yet? Why did God take our other baby? Its heartbreaking but sometimes it's what I need... 

My doctor ran some blood work to see if my cyst was full of estrogen, if it was I would have to skip a month of treatment because the shots would make the cyst grow larger. If it was negative for estrogen he said it should go down on its own and i could continue with the treatment. Later that day I received the call from my doctor that everything looked good and I could start my 5th IUI cycle. 

The next step was to start the shots and hope that I grew some follicles. The doctors consider 18mm follicles+ mature. When i went in about 10 days later i received yet another let down. My follicles were at a 12mm, 13mm, and 15mm if i remember correctly. So my doctor had me take two more nights of the shots and scheduled my procedure. I am always nervous about the fact of spending so much money on the procedures and I may not even have a mature follicle. But it is just a chance we take. 

The med to help with PCOS and to decrease miscarriage rate

the trigger shot, this is what releases your follicles 

you always take prenatals 

it has been said that 81mg of bayer will thicken your uterine lining 

my nightly shots

What your stomach looks like after a week of shots, swollen, sore and bruised

Last month i had several large follicles and when i went in a few days later I only had 1 so its hard to be positive... Another complete game changer was a conversation my doctor confronted me with. She has been my doctor from day one and we have gained more of a friendship almost than a Dr/patient relationship. I trust and honor her opinions but I wasn't ready for the conversation that she started. From the very beginning you all know if you have read my blog, i was completely against procedures, i wanted everything to be as normal and natural as possible. Well, I have always been very open that I would NEVER do IVF treatments which honestly is the only step left for us. 

Just so you know, IVF is when the doctor gives you lots of shots and meds and once they are ready, you are put to sleep and he takes a needle and extracts the eggs from the females body. Once he has the eggs he mixes them with washed sperm. Only a few will create a embryo which is a baby if it attaches to your uterine wall. They will then choose what looks to be the best, and insert however many you want in the uterus. You will then wait and see if the baby attaches and starts to grow...

She asked me why I was so against it and after 6 unsuccessful IUI treatments that the chances of me becoming pregnant that way are slim to none. My reasoning is that it felt unnatural? Why couldn't God just give me a baby? We are financially stable, have a good marriage, and we are happy. We are in a great place we just feel like we are missing our baby. Another reason that i disliked the idea of IVF was because of the cost... IVF is very expensive. Most people can not afford it but because we are military we do get somewhat of a discount, around $7500.00 for one cycle. The average cost of in vitro fertilization in the U.S. is currently about $11,000 to $12,000+ depending on the circumstances. 
She did cheat a little and tell me about a loop hole if i were to buy a private insurance. In the state of Hawaii if you purchase a private insurance plan they will cover the majority of the cost, it makes one treatment about $2900-$3900. After talking with her about the religious side, as she is a christian, and sharing my thoughts it became a little more clear that IVF may be a option for us. We are currently still weighing our options but I ended up being very thankful that she did have that conversation with me because I would have never brung it up.

I had my IUI on Saturday the 15th and I am not supposed to test until 16 days after. But typically by day 14 if I'm going to start my period i will. So I am currently in my 2WW which in the fertility world, the two week wait. I did have my procedure done at the the Fertility Institute downtown and it was a little more painful than usual. I am not sure exactly why but she did have to take the catheter out several times and reposition it. 

after iui waiting to go home 

Amongst everything else against us I have a retroverted uterus which just means its tilted backwards and can cause a lot of pain and discomfort during my menstrual time and during ovulation. But during a IUI it can make it a little more difficult when the doctor is guiding the catheter to where it is supposed to be. I am currently just trying to take it easy and rest, my son has been out of school on fall break so that has been nice getting to spend some quality time with him. I will be testing Halloween day for pregnancy. Please keep us in your prayers. We are praying that this cycle is it. I could get mad, I could be pissed at God for putting us through this and for letting me loose my baby. I would have a newborn this month if I wouldn't have miscarried in January. Instead of blaming him I decided to "Embrace our Journey". Myself, my husband, and little boy, we are a team and we believe that no matter what the outcome is that God will use us in some way. Maybe we will never be able to hold that baby in our arms, maybe we will waist thousands of dollars in fertility meds and procedures, maybe we will cry at negitive test, be upset because the way the meds make me feel, have a disappointed little boy? But I choose not to... I refuse to sink. If we do not get the opportunity to have another child we will embrace our journey and hopefully be a inspiration to others not to give up on each other or your faith. 

2 Chronicles 15:7 says "But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded". 

Mark 10:27 says "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God". 

Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest".

These are just a few verses that speak to my heart. I know that God hasn't left me in this journey. Honestly, this journey has brung me back to my beliefs and has made me grow as a person. It has made me have a compassion and love that I have never experienced. For months and months, only two of my best friends stationed here in Hawaii knew our struggles. It was one of them who talked me into seeing a doctor. We all three were fertility patients, we have all cried to one another and been there for each other. I kept it a secret from my family for many reasons. First of all, my best friend in the entire world for the last 28 years kind of has beliefs that one child is enough, and for some people one child is enough. This friend of mine is my daddy. I kept it from him for the longest time, we talk several times a day and I have always left out the fertility talk. My dad also thinks the world is so bad that we shouldn't bring children into the world now. I agree completely that this world is crazy and it scares me to have children grow up in it. But the way I see it is, I already have a seven year old thats growing up in it and I wouldn't change that for the world because he is everything to me. So he might as well have a side kick to conquer this world with! The first family to find out was my aunt and uncle, if you've been keeping up with my blog you'd know they were here when i had my miscarriage. They've always been there for me no matter what and I love them so much for that. I slowly started sharing my story, i started with friends then clients. Then as i started sharing with clients they started sharing their stories with me. It is amazing how many people have been through similar circumstances but you'd never know it. I eventually went on to tell my mom and dad. My mom of course has always wanted a baby girl... Also, I am not sure if i have mentioned this but I am the only child and my son is the only grandchild on my side. I think my dad is coming around, he still changes the subject a lot and doesn't understand one hundred percent but I am praying he will open his heart and accept that we want a family and we want this. Its hard but since when is it ok to give up on something that gets tough. I come from a family who has struggled, owned their own businesses and have eventually become quite successful. If anyone they should realize that easy is not always the situation. So for now we are holding on to our faith and praying for this miracle, rainbow baby we so desperately want. 

I will leave you with this... 

Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand".

Have a good week, and if anyone as any questions or wants to share their story on my blog feel free...